you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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