is your mom at the bar?
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
