a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
