we'll go far in life on tits alone.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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