I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
