I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
