Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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