Capitaan dildo arrescate!
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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