what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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