i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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