I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
