New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
