You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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