So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
