Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Im part way to drunk.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
