I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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