Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
This is my gift to your gina
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
