i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
