It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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