Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
