Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
