John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
