The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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