party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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