Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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