take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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