I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Then you guys just all showered together...?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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