I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
