Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
