My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
