just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
