Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Randomize
