stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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