yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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