just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
