Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
