he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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