I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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