She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
