Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
