Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
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He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
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I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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