Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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