He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
