Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
