She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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