Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
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