So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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