stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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