I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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