He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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