I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
