I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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