Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
that's an acceptable place to lick
Even the bartender felt bad for me
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
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