last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
