I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
