so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
