I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Enjoy the penises
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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