also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
So much rum. So many feels.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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